Sometimes Building Momentum Requires a Second Try.
I started this blog because I had much to say and needed a platform in which to say it all. I was hyped up after my first post, then silence for 5 years. Why? I want to say I got busy with lots of projects.. I want to say that I didn't need to blog anyway. I want to say that I wasn't avoiding it.
But really, I got scared. I thought no one would want to read about the many tragedies in my childhood upbringing. No one would care about the life of an aspiring artist with untapped creative ability who wasn't well-known already. I made all these excuses to hide the fact that my greatest struggle is to be vulnerable—to share my true self.
Vulnerability was taught to me as a weakness—an obstacle in the way of manhood. It seemed to be a reason to get treated poorly. So, I tucked away anything that could be considered vulnerable and bolstered up with my chest out and emotional avoidance ready to commence at any sight of feelings.
It wasn't many decisions in before this mode became habit. A defense mechanism to stop the torment of school bullies and parental damage manifesting itself into a weapon. I was just trying to survive. And I did—not without the wear and tear of a hard childhood, of course.
But that childhood does not define me. I am more than my survival instincts. I cannot be defined by a few choice moments in my life. What defines me is every action I take from here on out. Every move I make—I'm shedding away that fear slowly, but surely.
I'm learning that vulnerability isn't just opening myself up to the possibility of being attacked. It also means opening myself up to the possibility of being completely seen, loved, and accepted for who and all that I am. It's a risk, I know. I could fall pretty hard.. I WILL fall pretty hard, but I will get back up again because it is not the strong who run from pain. There is no weakness in looking in the face off potential danger and still opening up.
Being courageous doesn't mean I am without fear. It means that despite the fear, I moved forward. So, here I am—taking that leap once again; hoping I'm brave enough to see it through.